Is It Chemistry or Chaos? Understanding Trauma Bonds in Dating
- Odile McKenzie, LCSW
- 21 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Introduction: When "Can't Stop Thinking About Them" Becomes a Red Flag
You know that feeling, when someone texts and your whole body reacts? When you're checking your phone every five minutes? When the connection feels so intense that it's almost overwhelming?
We've been taught that's what love is supposed to feel like. Electric. All-consuming. The kind of thing that keeps you up at night.
But here's what nobody tells you: sometimes what feels like chemistry is actually your nervous system screaming a warning.
If you grew up with inconsistency, emotional unavailability, or walking on eggshells, your body learned to associate anxiety with attachment. So when you meet someone who triggers that familiar feeling? Your brain mistakes it for love.
That's a trauma bond — and it's not your fault.
What Is a Trauma Bond? (And Why It Feels Like Addiction)
A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment that forms through cycles of highs and lows, usually in relationships that are emotionally unsafe or manipulative.
Think of it like this: your body becomes literally addicted to the rollercoaster.
The cycle looks like this:
Tension builds → You feel anxious, walking on eggshells
Incident happens → Fight, withdrawal, silent treatment
Reconciliation → Apologies, closeness, "I can't lose you"
Temporary calm → Things feel good again (for now)
Repeat
Every time you reconnect after conflict, your brain floods with dopamine (pleasure) and oxytocin (bonding), the same chemicals released during drug use or gambling wins.
Your anxiety temporarily soothes… until the cycle restarts.
This is why leaving feels impossible even when you know it's not healthy. You're not weak, you're biochemically hooked on a pattern.
Why Your Body Confuses Chaos with Chemistry
If you experienced childhood trauma, especially inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or unpredictability, your nervous system learned that love comes with conditions.
You learned to:
Stay hypervigilant (waiting for the other shoe to drop)
Read the room constantly (is everyone okay?)
Earn affection (instead of receiving it freely)
So when you meet someone emotionally unavailable, hot-and-cold, or inconsistent? Your body recognizes the pattern and calls it home.
In therapy, we call this repetition compulsion your unconscious mind trying to rewrite the story by choosing partners who feel like your original attachment figures. It's like your inner child thinking, "Maybe this time, if I'm good enough, I'll finally get the love I deserve."
Spoiler: that's not how healing works.
Anxious Attachment vs. Trauma Bond: What's the Actual Difference?
This is where it gets confusing. Both can make you feel:
Anxious when they don't text back
Clingy or "too much"
Desperate for reassurance
But here's the crucial difference:
Anxious Attachment
You fear abandonment and crave closeness
But when your partner is consistent and responsive, you begin to feel safer over time
Healing happens within the relationship through repeated secure experiences
Your partner is willing to communicate, repair, and meet you halfway
Trauma Bond
There's an actual cycle of emotional harm (not just your anxiety)
Love is weaponized — given, withdrawn, and used to control
You're constantly trying to "earn back" safety that was taken away
Instead of calming down, your nervous system stays in fight-or-flight
The relationship itself is the source of trauma
The bottom line: Anxious attachment can heal through healthy connection. Trauma bonding keeps you addicted to chaos disguised as passion.
7 Signs You're in a Trauma Bond (Not Just "Really Into Them")
Real talk — here's how to know if it's chemistry or chaos:
The highs are extremely high, the lows are extremely low — There's no middle ground. It's either intense passion or devastating silence.
You feel relief when they come back, not joy — Your body's stress response finally calms, but you're not actually happy.
You're constantly making excuses for their behavior — "They're just stressed," / "They had a hard childhood," / "They didn't mean it like that."
You feel like you're going crazy — They deny things that happened, move goalposts, or make you question your memory (that's gaslighting).
You've lost yourself trying to keep them — Your hobbies, friends, boundaries — all negotiable to avoid conflict.
You feel responsible for fixing them — Like if you just love them hard enough, they'll finally change.
Everyone in your life is worried — Your friends have stopped asking how they are because they already know.
Healthy love is stable, not addictive. It builds trust slowly, not through crisis and reunion.
How to Start Breaking a Trauma Bond (With Actual Steps)
Healing isn't about shaming yourself for staying too long. It's about understanding why your nervous system chose this pattern, and teaching it something new.
1. Get Real About What's Happening
Stop calling it "complicated" or "passionate." Name it: "This relationship is hurting me, and I deserve better."
2. Regulate Your Nervous System First
Before you make big decisions, get your body out of survival mode:
Box breathing (4 counts in, hold 4, out 4, hold 4)
Movement (walk, dance, shake it out)
Grounding (name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel)
3. Write Down the Pattern
Track the cycle. When does tension build? What triggers reconciliation? Seeing it on paper breaks the spell.
4. Find Safe People
You need relationships that don't require you to perform, chase, or prove your worth. A therapist, a support group, or a friend who just listens without judging.
5. Do the Inner Child Work
Your younger self needed consistency, safety, and unconditional love. Start giving that to yourself now, through journaling, therapy, or just talking to that part of you with compassion.
6. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Especially one who understands attachment, cultural context, and the specific ways trauma shows up in relationships. (More on that below.)
What Healthy Chemistry Actually Feels Like
Plot twist: real chemistry doesn't make you anxious.
It feels like:
Curiosity without dread
Excitement without panic
Desire that doesn't demand constant proof
Peace that still has spark
You're not walking on eggshells. You're not decoding texts. You're not wondering if today is a "good day" or a "bad day."
When you've healed, your body stops craving chaos and starts recognizing calm as safe.
That's when you know: you're no longer bonding through trauma. You're connecting through truth.
You're Not Broken — Your Nervous System Is Just Telling an Old Story
If you saw yourself in this blog, first: you're not alone. And second: this isn't a character flaw.
Your attachment style formed when you were too young to choose differently. But now? You have the power to rewrite the script.
At Odile Psychotherapy Service, we specialize in helping Black women and people of color heal from toxic relationships, attachment wounds, and trauma bonds through culturally affirming, trauma-informed therapy.
We get it. We see you. And we're here to help you build the secure, peaceful love you deserve.
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