Attachment Styles Show Up in Friendships Too

When we hear “attachment style,” most of us instantly think about romantic relationships. Are you anxious? Avoidant? Secure? But what many people don’t realize is that these same patterns show up in our friendships, and they can quietly impact how close we let people get, how we handle conflict, and whether we feel safe being ourselves.

As psychologist and author Marisa Franco reminds us in her book Platonic, “Friendships are just as emotionally significant as romantic relationships.” Yet we often treat them like optional extras. If you're noticing cycles of tension, ghosting, or feeling “too much” or “not enough” in your friendships, your attachment style might be playing a bigger role than you think.

Let’s break it down.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of relating that develop in childhood based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. These styles often follow us into adulthood and show up in all kinds of relationships, including friendships.

According to Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the three main insecure styles are:

• Anxious: You crave closeness and often fear rejection or being left out. You might overanalyze texts, feel hurt when friends make plans without you, or worry you're being a burden.

• Avoidant: You value independence and often feel overwhelmed when others get too close. You might keep friendships at a surface level or pull away when things get emotional.

• Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant: You both crave and fear closeness. You might want a deeper connection, but also distrust it. These friendships can feel intense, confusing, or unstable.

Then there’s the secure style people who are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. Securely attached friends communicate directly, maintain boundaries, and repair conflict without spiraling.

But This Is Just How I Am… Right?

Here’s the empowering part. These patterns are not life sentences. As Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist and researcher in attachment-based couples therapy, says, “Attachment systems are malleable. We can earn secure attachment through consistent, safe relationships.”

That means your friendships can be a space for healing, not just reenacting old wounds.

How Attachment Shows Up in Friendship

Let’s get specific. If you’ve ever:

• Felt anxious when a friend didn’t text back right away

• Avoided asking for help because you didn’t want to seem “needy”

• Ended friendships without explaining why

• Felt hurt when a friend got close to someone else

• Found it hard to trust or be vulnerable

…then your attachment style might be influencing how you show up.

Marisa Franco writes, “People who assume they are unlovable are more likely to reject love when it shows up.” That’s heavy, but it’s also hopeful. If we can name the pattern, we can shift it.

Healing Starts With Awareness

Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or a mix of both, here are some ways to start building more secure friendships:

1. Learn to self-soothe. Your nervous system might go into overdrive if a friend doesn’t respond quickly. Pause, breathe, and check the story you’re telling yourself. Is it fact, or fear?

2. Communicate clearly. Say what you need. It’s okay to want more consistency, support, or even space. Secure friends don’t expect mind-reading; they talk things out.

3. Repair conflict instead of retreating. Secure relationships aren’t conflict-free. They’re built on repair. If something feels off, name it gently. A good friend will want to work through it with you.

4. Choose safe people. Not everyone deserves access to your vulnerability. Move toward people who show you, through actions, not just words, that they are emotionally available and consistent.

5. Be the secure base you wish you had. We can’t control how others show up, but we can practice being dependable, attuned, and open. The more we show up securely, the more we invite that energy back.

Your Friendships Are Worth Healing

You don’t have to be perfect to have healthy friendships. You just have to be willing to do the work.

As Platonic reminds us, “We thrive when we belong.” Whether you’re learning to reach out without fear, set boundaries without guilt, or trust that you're not too much, your friendships can be spaces where you grow, rest, and feel seen.

Attachment styles are powerful, but they are not fixed. The next time you find yourself spiraling after a friend cancels plans or struggling to open up to someone new, pause and ask: Is this about the moment, or is this about my pattern?

That awareness is where your healing begins.

Want support learning to build secure relationships with yourself and others? We offer individual therapy and support groups designed for people of color navigating friendship, love, and healing from relational trauma. Book a consultation today.