How To Heal From Emotional Neglect: Why Food, Clothing, and Shelter Are Not Enough

Odile McKenzie, LCSW
Apr 29
2 min read

black man. Grief. sadness. sitting. loneliness

When we talk about trauma, it’s easy to point to the visible: physical abuse, violence, or abandonment. But for some Black folks, immigrants, and people of color, trauma often wears a quieter mask, one that hides behind “I gave you everything you needed.” Food. Clothes. A roof over your head. But no hugs. No “I’m proud of you.” No space for your feelings. No you.

This is emotional neglect. And it is relational trauma.

What Is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect happens when a child’s emotional needs for comfort, validation, affection, or guidance are consistently unmet. It’s not always about what was done to us, but what was missing. For many of us raised by parents who had to prioritize survival over softness, this kind of neglect is generational and normalized.

Think about it: some of our parents immigrated from war zones, poverty, or systemic oppression. Parenting, for them, meant keeping us alive in a hostile world. But survival is not the same as connection. They gave us everything they had, but sometimes, they didn’t have enough emotionally to give.

How Emotional Neglect Shows Up in Adult Relationships

The wounds of emotional neglect don't vanish with age. They echo in our adult relationships:

Struggling to trust intimacy, even when it's safe.
Numbing your needs, then resenting your partner for not guessing them.
Over-giving and under-receiving because love was something you had to earn.
Confusing calm with boredom, and chaos with passion.
Feeling shame for needing anything at all.

These aren’t personality flaws. They are trauma responses.

Cultural Layers: Silence Is a Survival Strategy

In some cultures, African, Caribbean, Asian, and Latinx, emotional expression was considered dangerous or indulgent. We were told, “You’re too sensitive,” or “We don’t talk about that here.” In these communities, silence became a shield, stoicism a badge of honor.

But what protected them is now wounding us.

Healing means honoring their sacrifice without repeating their pain.

Healing Through the Body: Somatic Practice and Ritual

Healing emotional neglect isn’t only about talk therapy, it’s also about reclaiming what was lost in the body.

Somatic healing reconnects you to the wisdom of your nervous system. Try this:

Somatic Exercise: "Coming Home to Self." Find a quiet space. Sit or lie down. Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly. Inhale slowly for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat. Whisper to yourself: “I am here. I am safe. I matter.”Let any sensation rise, warmth, sadness, resistance. Just notice.

Do this daily. You’re rewiring your nervous system to trust presence over performance.

Ritual is also a potent tool, especially for Black and immigrant communities. Light a candle for your inner child. Cook a dish your grandmother made and eat it slowly. Dance to the music of your lineage. Reclaim the sacred in the simple.