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Why Avoidant Attachment Makes Dating Even Harder for Women

  • Writer: Odile McKenzie, LCSW
    Odile McKenzie, LCSW
  • Jun 19
  • 2 min read


black couple. love. dating. relationship.

Why Avoidant Attachment Makes Dating Even Harder for Women


If you have an avoidant attachment style, dating can feel like a tug-of-war between craving closeness and needing distance. You may long for love, but fear losing yourself in the process. Or worse, fear that if you do open up, the other person will disappoint you, let you down, or use your vulnerability against you.


For many women, especially Black women who are often expected to be emotionally available and endlessly forgiving, this can feel like an impossible dance. You’re not broken for needing space or feeling guarded. There’s a reason it feels so hard, and there’s a way to heal.


💔 What Is Avoidant Attachment?


Avoidant attachment often forms in childhood when emotional needs weren’t consistently met. You may have learned to self-soothe, downplay your needs, and prioritize independence over connection.


In relationships, this can look like:

  • Pulling away when things get too close

  • Feeling smothered by intimacy

  • Avoiding conflict or shutting down

  • Fearing you'll lose yourself in the relationship

  • Not trusting others to show up, stay, or handle your emotions safely


The fear isn’t just about closeness, it’s about safety and self-preservation.


The Emotional Double Standard


Women are often expected to be:

  • Emotionally expressive

  • Nurturing and available

  • The “glue” in relationships


If you don’t show up that way, you might feel like you’re doing love “wrong.” You may feel pressure to perform emotional labor you’re not ready for, or be judged when you protect your peace instead of overextending yourself.


How Men May Misread You


In the dating phase, men may interpret your boundaries or emotional distance as:

  • Playing hard to get

  • Being disinterested

  • “Too independent” or emotionally unavailable


But what they don’t always see is that your distance isn’t rejection—it’s protection. You’re not avoiding love. You’re avoiding being hurt, used, or erased in the process.



Stereotypes + Socialization Make It Worse


Labels like “cold,” “too much,” or “emotionally unavailable” get thrown around too easily. You may internalize these messages and start to believe there’s something wrong with you.

But the truth is: you learned to keep your guard up for good reasons. Your fear of being hurt and your need to stay grounded in yourself are valid.



Healing Starts with Compassion


Healing avoidant attachment isn’t about becoming someone else; it’s about learning how to feel safe with others and with yourself.


Try:

✅ Naming your needs with honesty

✅ Letting people earn your trust slowly

✅ Practicing connection without abandoning yourself

✅ Remembering you can set boundaries and be open


💬 You Can Love Without Losing Yourself or Being Hurt Again


Avoidant women are often deeply loving, but also deeply afraid. Afraid that if they get too close, they’ll lose control. Fearful that if they depend on someone, that person will fail them.


But you can create love that honors your boundaries, your fears, and your healing.

You’re not “too much” or “too guarded.” You’re learning what safety feels like, and that is powerful.


Want support as you build secure relationships and reconnect with yourself? Join our therapy intensives and support groups made for women like you.

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Anxiety 

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Women issues 

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Attachment Wounds

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