Love, That’s Not a Soul Tie, It’s a Trauma Bond

Odile McKenzie, LCSW
Jun 3
3 min read

You ever feel like you just can’t quit them, even though they’ve had you crying in the shower, losing sleep, and spiraling into your Notes app for closure you’ll never send?

Maybe you’ve told yourself, “But the connection is so deep…”Maybe you even called it a soul tie.

But if love feels like chaos with a little aftercare and a whole lotta confusion, we need to talk. Because baby, that might not be a spiritual bond, it might be what popular culture is calling a trauma bond.

🌈 Before We Dive In: Happy Pride, Love.

To our queer, trans, and nonbinary fam navigating heartbreak, self-worth, and love in a world that doesn’t always see your full beauty, you deserve relationships that honor your truth, not retraumatize your spirit.

🔥 Quick Note: Let’s Define “Trauma Bond” (Pop Culture Edition)

Okay, let’s get this straight: when we say “trauma bond” here, we’re talking pop culture trauma bond, not the old-school psychology textbook version linked to extreme abuse or hostage situations.

In the social media streets and healing circles, trauma bonding often describes those relationships that are:

Emotionally addictive
Rooted in inconsistent love
Triggering past wounds and calling it “chemistry”
High-key draining but hard to leave

We’re not pathologizing every relationship. We’re naming a pattern, a cycle, that many of us fall into when our nervous system confuses familiarity with safety.

💡 Trauma Bond vs. Soul Tie: Know the Vibe

Trauma bond (popular culture version): It’s intense. It’s obsessive. It feels “meant to be,” but somehow leaves you anxious, unsure, and off-center. One minute you're “the one,” the next you’re being ghosted, gaslit, or guilted into staying.

Soul tie: When healthy, it feels like expansion. You still have your peace. You’re still in your body. You don’t have to shrink, chase, or justify. It’s deep without being destructive.

🚩 Love, These Might Be Signs of a Trauma Bond

You break up and make up like it’s a seasonal rotation
Your nervous system is in a full spin cycle, not a soft place to land
You can’t imagine your life without them, even though you're constantly in survival mode with them
You're doing emotional gymnastics to keep them happy
You’ve started calling “chaos” a twin flame connection
The relationship brings you more anxiety than clarity, but the pull is magnetic

Let’s be real: if you’re confusing pain with passion, that ain’t love. That’s a reenactment.

🌿 Why You’re Caught in the Loop: Relationship Trauma

If you were raised on inconsistent love, parents who were sometimes warm, sometimes wounding, you learned to hustle for love. To over-function. To equate intensity with intimacy.

And when we carry that into adulthood, we attract what we know, not what we need. Cue the trauma bond, now in high-def with text receipts and Instagram stories.

But here’s the good news: cycles can be broken. You’re not stuck.

✨ How Attachment-Focused EMDR Can Help You Unhook

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is like spring cleaning for your nervous system. It helps you reprocess painful memories without reliving them, so you can stop choosing chaos in a cute outfit.

With attachment-focused EMDR, we go even deeper. We look at:

Why do you equate love with emotional labor
Why leaving feels like betrayal, even when staying hurts
Why do you keep attracting the same “lesson” in a different body

EMDR isn’t just healing—it’s rewiring. It reminds your body that peace is possible. That you’re safe now. That love shouldn’t feel like emotional boot camp.

🚀 Ready to Unlearn the Bond and Reclaim Your Power?

At our practice, we offer EMDR Intensives and 1:1 therapy for Black women and femmes (and our queer family too) who are ready to trade chaos for clarity.

Whether you’re still texting “I miss you” at 2 AM or finally blocking them with shaky fingers, we've got you.

🌱 Book your free consult or explore our EMDR packages. Let’s break the pattern and create space for real love, the kind that honors your whole being.