top of page

Wanting to Be Chosen Isn’t Weak,It’s Human: The Power of Black Love and Secure Attachment

  • Writer: Odile McKenzie, LCSW
    Odile McKenzie, LCSW
  • 4 days ago
  • 2 min read

love. black couple. relationship goals. black love. kissing couple.

There’s No Shame in Wanting to Be Chosen


In a culture that idolizes hyper-independence and emotional detachment, many of us — especially Black folks — feel ashamed of wanting love. We’re told to “be strong,” “not need anyone,” and “protect your peace” at all costs. But here’s the truth:


Wanting to be chosen doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.


From a neuroscience perspective, we are wired for connection. When we fall in love, our brains light up with hormones like oxytocin and dopamine — chemicals designed to help us bond. This “love high” isn’t foolish; it’s biological. As Dr. Stan Tatkin explains, our nervous systems aren’t meant to operate in isolation. We thrive when we co-regulate with people we trust.


Ancestral Wisdom: We’ve Always Needed Each Other


Long before relationship science gave us the language of attachment theory, our ancestors knew that connection was necessary for survival. Alone, we were vulnerable. Together, we built community.


That need for connection is hardwired into our DNA. But modern life, particularly life as a Black person in the U.S., has taught us to override that need. Systemic oppression, generational trauma, and cultural messaging have shaped a survival strategy: stay guarded, stay solo, stay safe.


Hyper-Independence Is Not Healing


We often confuse independence with safety. But emotional armor is not emotional health.

As Ralph Richard Banks discusses in Is Marriage for White People?, the decline of marriage and intimate partnerships in the Black community isn’t just about personal preference — it’s about pain, mistrust, and systemic barriers. But love—real, secure love—can be a form of resistance.


We don’t just need love to feel good. We need it to break cycles.

When we experience secure attachment in adulthood, we’re more likely to raise securely attached children—children who know that love isn’t earned through perfection or performance—it’s something they deserve by existing.


Building Black Love Is a Collective Healing Practice


Creating secure, mutual relationships is one of the most radical acts Black folks can take. When we seek out safe love, we’re not being “too much” — we’re rewriting the emotional script we inherited.


So if you find yourself longing to be chosen, to be seen, to be loved — don’t shame that. That desire is not a flaw. It’s a reflection of your humanity.


Therapy Can Help You Learn How to Receive the Love You Deserve

At Odile Psychotherapy Service, we help Black and other people of color unlearn the shame around emotional needs and rewire their relationship to love, connection, and vulnerability.


Whether you’re:

  • Struggling with hyper-independence or people-pleasing

  • Recovering from toxic or emotionally unavailable relationships

  • Navigating shame around wanting partnership

  • Longing to feel safe enough to be your full self in love


You’re not alone. And healing is possible.


💛 Explore our therapy services or join a support group designed to help you build deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Comments


SPECIALITIES

Anxiety 

Sadness 

Women issues 

Transitions 

Afro-Caribbean

BIPOC

Relational Trauma

Attachment Wounds

ISSUES

Navigating singlehood 

Coping skills

Complex family dynamics 

Microaggression and assaults 

Self-esteem 

School issues 

Break-ups

Work challenges 

Assimilation 

Immigration 

Work stress 

Burnout

Imposter Syndrome

Dating

ETHNICITY

Men & Women of Color

AGE

Adults (18-65)

MODALITY

Individuals  & Groups

TREATMENT APPROACH

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Person-Center 

Psychodynamic 

Strength based 

Narrative 

Cultural sensitive 

Afrocentric 

Mindfulness 

Attachment Based 

Positive Psychology 

Solution Focused Therapy 

Humanistic 

Somatic

Trauma Responsive

Culturally  Responsive 

Odile Psychotherapy Service in NYC for Black Women

ACCEPTED INSURANCE

Cigna 

UnitedHealth 

Aetna

© Odile Psychotherapy Service. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy

bottom of page