Wanting to Be Chosen Isn’t Weak,It’s Human: The Power of Black Love and Secure Attachment

Odile McKenzie, LCSW
May 6
2 min read

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There’s No Shame in Wanting to Be Chosen

In a culture that idolizes hyper-independence and emotional detachment, many of us — especially Black folks — feel ashamed of wanting love. We’re told to “be strong,” “not need anyone,” and “protect your peace” at all costs. But here’s the truth:

Wanting to be chosen doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

From a neuroscience perspective, we are wired for connection. When we fall in love, our brains light up with hormones like oxytocin and dopamine — chemicals designed to help us bond. This “love high” isn’t foolish; it’s biological. As Dr. Stan Tatkin explains, our nervous systems aren’t meant to operate in isolation. We thrive when we co-regulate with people we trust.

Ancestral Wisdom: We’ve Always Needed Each Other

Long before relationship science gave us the language of attachment theory, our ancestors knew that connection was necessary for survival. Alone, we were vulnerable. Together, we built community.

That need for connection is hardwired into our DNA. But modern life, particularly life as a Black person in the U.S., has taught us to override that need. Systemic oppression, generational trauma, and cultural messaging have shaped a survival strategy: stay guarded, stay solo, stay safe.

Hyper-Independence Is Not Healing

We often confuse independence with safety. But emotional armor is not emotional health.

As Ralph Richard Banks discusses in Is Marriage for White People?, the decline of marriage and intimate partnerships in the Black community isn’t just about personal preference — it’s about pain, mistrust, and systemic barriers. But love—real, secure love—can be a form of resistance.

We don’t just need love to feel good. We need it to break cycles.

When we experience secure attachment in adulthood, we’re more likely to raise securely attached children—children who know that love isn’t earned through perfection or performance—it’s something they deserve by existing.

Building Black Love Is a Collective Healing Practice

Creating secure, mutual relationships is one of the most radical acts Black folks can take. When we seek out safe love, we’re not being “too much” — we’re rewriting the emotional script we inherited.

So if you find yourself longing to be chosen, to be seen, to be loved — don’t shame that. That desire is not a flaw. It’s a reflection of your humanity.

Therapy Can Help You Learn How to Receive the Love You Deserve

At Odile Psychotherapy Service, we help Black and other people of color unlearn the shame around emotional needs and rewire their relationship to love, connection, and vulnerability.

Whether you’re: