Limerance: Why We Miss Red Flags in Love

Odile McKenzie, LCSW
39 minutes ago
3 min read

Love can be one of the most beautiful experiences, but it can also be a confusing one. Many of us have found ourselves swept away by the excitement of a new relationship, only to later wonder how we missed the red flags that were right in front of us. If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced something called limerance.

What is Limerance?

Limerance is a term that describes the intense, obsessive infatuation we feel at the start of a relationship. Dr. Dorothy Tennov first coined the term in her research on love, describing it as a state of intense longing and emotional dependence on another person. It’s that "can’t eat, can’t sleep" feeling, the butterflies in your stomach, the constant thinking about them, the rush of excitement every time you see their name pop up on your phone.

But while limerance can feel like the spark of true love, it can also blind you to important truths. In this state, your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, these chemicals can make you focus on the positive aspects of your partner while minimizing or outright ignoring the negative. This is why you may overlook inconsistent behavior or rationalize red flags.

Why Limerance Makes Us Miss Red Flags

From a scientific perspective, the feeling of limerance is rooted in our biology. Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinical psychologist and author of "Wired for Love," explains that our brains are wired to form attachments, and these intense feelings are part of our evolutionary design. The brain releases chemicals that encourage bonding, making you focus on your partner’s best traits while ignoring any potential concerns. This is a survival mechanism, a way to quickly form connections that historically increased our chances of survival.

But just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s always healthy. Limerance can lead you to:

Overlook inconsistent behavior.
Make excuses for poor communication.
Feel anxious when they don’t respond immediately.
Focus on who you hope they can become instead of who they are.

The Problem with Limerance

Ralph Richard Banks, a Stanford Law professor and author of "Is Marriage for White People?" highlights that limerance can be particularly challenging for people who are used to striving for love. For many, especially women of color who have been taught to be patient, strong, and forgiving, limerance can become a trap, making them invest time and energy into relationships that are not healthy.

Limerance is not love. It is a state of desire that can feel all-consuming, but it is not the steady, respectful, and nurturing connection that true love offers. Real love takes time, grows through mutual respect, and is not afraid of honesty.

How to Recognize and Overcome Limerance

So, how can you protect yourself from the blinding effects of limerance?

Take Your Time: Don’t rush into a relationship. Give it time to develop naturally.
Stay Grounded: Maintain your independence and continue investing in your own life, hobbies, and friendships.
Pay Attention to Actions, Not Words: Notice if your partner’s behavior aligns with their words.
Seek Honest Feedback: Talk to friends you trust who can provide an outside perspective.
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself. Are you feeling anxious? Are you making excuses for them?

A Healthier Approach to Love

True love is not about the rush of excitement — it’s about the steady and consistent presence of care, respect, and understanding. As Dr. Gottman’s research shows, successful relationships are built on mutual trust, open communication, and emotional safety.

If you find yourself caught in the whirlwind of limerance, remember this: You deserve a love that sees you, respects you, and grows with you.

A Loving Reminder

Love doesn’t have to be a rollercoaster. It can be a calm, peaceful journey with someone who shows up for you, values you, and respects you. Limerance is a part of love, but it is not the destination.

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